Please be patient

Please be patient with me

Please be patient with me as I accept and navigate my new reality

Please be patient with me, this suggested diagnosis is difficult to swallow -- as much as I know it fits, it answers so many questions -- as much as it's almost epiphanic in its simplicity

Please be patient with me, I truly thought I knew what was going on

Please be patient with me, the path through "severe depression" cannot be rushed

Please be patient with me -- I know you're used to my highs, my "everything's fine"s, my ability to know the bright side of everything

Please be patient with me -- I, too, am used to those highs, that vantage point

Please be patient with me, the realisation that it's all been a cover, a facade over something deep, something tumultuous -- is difficult for me to handle

Please be patient with me as I (again) work to rebuild myself

Please be patient with me as I struggle with the amount of work still yet to be done.... especially when I feel I've come so far

Please be patient with me as my own patience, my sense of self, are battered and torn and shredded

Please be patient with me as I search for the right words, the definitions, the explanations, the realisations that I hope will serve me well in communicating what I, myself, don't understand

Please be patient with me as I struggle

Resolution versus Intention

As defined by the OED, a Resolution is: A firm decision to do or not to do something. Stemming from “Late Middle English: from Latin resolutio(n-), from resolvere ‘loosen, release’ (see resolve).” To resolve a problem.

An Intention is defined as: A thing intended; an aim or plan. The etymology being: “Late Middle English: from Old French entencion, from Latin intentio(n-) ‘stretching, purpose’, from intendere (see intend).”

Greece - December 2018

Words have meaning and the inherent meanings of words bring power to the messages conveyed using those words. Consider the impact of some of the greatest speeches held in the annals of history, the words therein where carefully chosen for their meaning, to increase the intended impact of the message being conveyed.

As a writer, I am blisteringly aware of the power of words, so it recently became important to me to understand my aversion to the concept of making New Year’s Resolutions.

Each time the Gregorian calendar approaches the 1st of January, friends and family members begin discussing the concept of Resolutions – some in earnest, some in jest, some even with a hint of sardonicism – and each year, my participation in the conversation wanes markedly.

My hesitance in sharing what I resolve to do in the coming year is that I find resolutions to be strict, unyielding, unaccepting of change, of movement.

A firm decision to do or not to do something. Historically, I have decided to “go to the gym 3-4 times a week”, as an example. I had been resolved. I had made a firm decision to do something. When an unavoidable change in circumstances then happened and I could no longer afford my gym membership, my resolution ceased to be, it failed. I felt, on several levels, disappointed. I was let down by life, the Universe, and by me. I had made the decision and I hadn’t been able to fulfil my own rigid expectations.

After several such disappointments, I decided something I now believe to be invaluable:

I don’t need to resolve. My life isn't a problem to be fixed. I don’t view my life as something for which I need to make ‘firm decisions’. I don’t live my life in such a way that my life needs to be resolved, released, loosened. I my life has a purpose. I live my life in such a way that I am ever stretching; my mind, my body, my goals, my plans… My life has purpose, it has direction. I intend.

When things happen that are unexpected, or ‘against the plan’, as they inevitably will, I merely adjust the plan, I re-aim, I stretch.

This flexibility, I find, is crucial when it comes to my emotional, mental, and even physical health. The knowledge that I am allowed to change, to adjust, to just “go with the flow” as life brings me new challenges and opportunities enables me to better accept my place in the world.

Each year, as I age and learn and grow and stretch; I make intentions… Flexible plans that perfectly fit the life I am designing for myself.

I intend. I intend to choose my words carefully. I intend to live my life free from limiting, damaging language.

I intend.

"She'll be fine"

Not so long ago, I had my feelings dismissed. This is nothing new to me.

When questioned about their decision, the person in question simply said (of me), "She'll be fine."

To that person, I write:

Of course, I'll "be fine".

Your summary dismissal of me and my feelings isn't enough to do me any real or lasting damage - you're not that important. 

Far greater people in my life have treated me far worse and done much deeper damage. 

Dismissal and neglect are the hallmarks of my childhood - a childhood that has caused me to develop PTSD. 

A childhood for which I have undergone countless hours of very expensive and comprehensive therapy.

Let me assure you that, if my psyche can withstand the childhood I endured, no damage you can do would compare nor could compete with what I have already endured and, most importantly, overcome. 

I will be fine.

But not because you have decided that my emotions are unworthy of your consideration but because I have decided that you are unworthy of my emotions. 

I will be fine.

Our relationship, however, will not. 

You have just proven to me that, like may adults before you, you do not respect me. 

I will act accordingly.

I will be fine. 

It's what I do.

Learning to Advocate for Myself

A recurring theme in my life, not being "Good Enough", has reared its ugly head again.

I am allergic to the wool carpet in our new house. This is a known allergy and we presumed I would suffer a bit when we moved in but had hoped that it would be mild enough that replacing the flooring could wait until we went, room by room, and redecorated the whole space.

Unfortunately, my reaction to the house has been swift and total. Inhalers needed, skin erupting in rashes... the works.

In dealing with all of this, already feeling low physically (it's exhausting being itchy 24/7) and emotionally (I find I'm still horrendously embarrassed by my eczema, even after more than 40 years with it), I took a backseat. I sat back and allowed Spouse to make decisions about how and when the flooring would be replaced because I didn't want to make waves, I didn't want to add stress where it wasn't necessary. And I started to feel worse. My health, I felt, wasn't being taken seriously. I wasn't being "heard".

Spouse and I got into a very slightly heated discussion about the flooring and timings, etc, about what I thought we should be doing versus what Spouse thought we should do... And why my needs were being ignored... and it was pointed out to me that I wasn't being "heard" because I wasn't saying anything!

I had been grumping around the house, miserable, sore, itchy - not telling Spouse how bad I felt, not communicating how much I was suffering.

I expected Spouse to know - and then was upset to discover that they didn't. Not to the extent that I was feeling it. Of course Spouse knows I'm suffering. It was obvious to anyone who sees me.... What Spouse couldn't have known, however, was how I am feeling, how much it's actually affecting me, how I feel emotionally and mentally because of the situation.

I briefly struggled to figure out why I would have trouble telling Spouse what my needs were. It didn't take long, though, to work out... In various, large portions of my life, the things I said, when I declared my needs, fell on deaf, impatient ears.

Throughout my life I had been ignored. Directly, wilfully, deliberately, indirectly, ignorantly, unwittingly... I have been ignored by my most primary relationships. Not all the time, of course. And sometimes, I was simply dismissed.

Through all of this, I learned. I learned that telling people what I needed, how I felt, what I wanted, even, was an exercise in futility at best and, at worst, in pain. It hurts to be ignored or dismissed and I can't tell you which is worse.

Now that I'm in my first healthy relationship, I'm having to relearn a lot of my behaviours and responses... I'm having to learn that it's not only OK to express what I need, it's essential, it's vital in a healthy relationship.

And I'm having to learn that my words will be listened to, that my voice will be heard.

I am learning that I am Good Enough.

And so it goes...

We're (Mr B and I) home from our one month sojourn and I couldn't be happier nor sadder at the same time.

It was wonderful to see so many loved ones, related and not, and the time away was nice but I am SO glad to be home.

I get to sleep in my own bed. I get to not have to wear PJs. (all of the little things I usually take for granted)

The highlight of our trip was my 15 year high school reunion and meeting my niece and nephew! They're both so stinking cute!

This is Miss Allison (who has officially named me "Auntaya" which I'm finding pretty darned sweet!)

Miss Allison and I at the "Paygound"

I took 7 tonnes of photos but there are too many (most of them not flattering) and not enough time in the day to show them all!

But, of course, there were the obligatory family photos....

(l-r) Jason (brother), Carrie (mom), Thomas (AKA Munk, nephew) Cara (sister), Miss Allison (niece), Me (AKA Auntaya)

Nana Bird, you're always in my heart and my thoughts. Get well SOON and enough of this "playing around!" ;) Robin... I demand copies of those pictures! ;)

Lots of changes coming up over the next few months for me, so if you're interested, I'd like to take you along on the journey, so stay tuned!

And an added bonus for my UK/Top Gear friends... I know who he is!

A quick catch-up! (photo heavy!)

So, we're back from our (first) two-week excursion and while I don't have a lot of time for a fully detailed post, I can share some pictures of some of the sights we saw along our "tour" of Sweden (Stockholm, Halland and Skåne)... (don't forget you can click on the photos to see them bigger!)

This is for my aunt... "her" restaurant in Stockholm

For one of my sisters, "her" restaurant in Stockholm

Me, sitting atop one of the concrete lions that guard the Pedestrian Only Zones of Stockholm

Me, trying to be "artsy"... a noticeboard in Stockholm

A gratuitous cock picture (Stockholm)

I needed to snap a shot of this, my thus far favourite, bit of graffiti because it made me laugh... only to turn around and on the wall behind me, spot some "interesting", anatomical drawings!

A shot from the front deck of Mr B's Mormor's summer home (bordering the west coast of Sweden... the Kattegat Sea, between the North Sea and the Baltic)

Aforementioned deck... with some love

Our path down to the beach

Photo Op

Calming waves

Shadows

Summer sky

(l to r) Mr B, Me, D W-B, (another) Mr B (the bro-in-law)

(note the glasses in the foreground? They'd been there for several days by the time we left, the poor, deserted things. I decided not to crop them in case you might know to whom they belong *grin*)

A pretty lichen on a concrete post

And now, meet "Steve". This is the Chocolate Cherry cake I tried (rather unsuccessfully) to make vegan by replacing the eggs in the recipe with cherry jam. (Well, in my defence, it worked -really- well with some cookies ;) )

The result is some sort of..... goo.

My brother-in-law named it Mana and it's a name that makes me smile. Perhaps when I actually figure out what to -do- with the stuff, I might just name it "Mana" (I'm thinking some sort of candy-type-thing. The In-Laws certainly LOVED the way Steve tasted so I may be in the first developmental stages of a new creation. Watch this space!)

And a picture of Steve being pulled... Totally *not* cake-like!

And here's Steve, completely vertical. That scares me a little. He's not even shifting!

And that's all I have (to post, I have -tons- more photos) and I'll be sure to update again as soon as I can. (I've still got pictures to post of the crafty purchases I made, after all!)

Take care, all! Until next time....