Wednesday, 12 October 2016

Good enough...

Feeling "good enough" is something with which I have struggled my entire life.

I wasn't good enough for my parents to treat me well.

I wasn't good enough for the boys I liked to like me back.

I wasn't good enough to be "rescued" from various difficult stages in my life.

Several years ago, I even went through some CBT in relation to my self-worth issues. I "graduated".

So, I wonder... how is it that a chance encounter with a complete stranger can send me instantly down that spiral of self-loathing and create within me a feeling I have fought so long and hard to be rid of...

"I'm not good enough."

According to Random Stranger, I wasn't thin enough. They called me an elephant and said that I bumped into their cohort simply because I was so fat that I required the entire pavement to myself. I should have been smaller. I should lose weight. I should know my place, take up less space and not be so damned self-righteous in my assertion that I am a deserving human.

According to my lame-ass retorts, I wasn't clever enough to throw anything more back at them than trying to yell my excuse that it was *they* who bumped into *me*. I should have called Random Stranger a "clever little boy" and asked him, if it took me X amount of time to lose weight, how long would it take him to not be such an utter prig.

According to my rampant self-loathing immediately following the exchange, I wasn't feminist enough. I didn't stick up for myself against this person of the opposite gender who decided to be offended and rude on the behalf of the person with whom he walked. A woman. I should have asked *her* if she was offended or hurt. I should have ignored the man completely and, instead, asked the woman with whom he had been walking if *she* realised that *she* had walked into *me* - Or, better still, asked her if it was a requirement that he fight all of her battles for her, if he ever let her stand up for herself.

According to how this is still affecting me, more than 24 hours later, I wasn't strong enough to let this go. I haven't allowed it to wash over me. I am still damaged, hurt, seething, embarrassed. I could have realised that there is nothing wrong with my size. Yes, I am large, but I am not "obese" and, even if I were, I have nothing to prove to Random Stranger. I could insist that the problem is with him. The problem was with him presuming that he and his friend may walk two-wide down the pavement and spare no thought for anyone who might be passing in the opposite direction; They Will Wait. We Are More Important.

But I didn't do any of those things.

Because I'm not good enough.

And so here I am. Feeling like I'm back to Square One.

I will pull back up out of this. I always do. And I have been trough far worse.

My personal theme song isn't ACDC's Back in Black for nothing.

I do still wonder, though, if I have been through all that I have and come out on the other side cheery, smiling, bright-eyed and full of promise - why has this affected me so deeply?


  1. Completely non-professional guess here, but I think that maybe it was the surprise of it all. You were caught off guard. I haven't been through what you have, but yes I have self esteem issues. I am horribly self-aware that I am, in fact, obese. And there are situations where I need to prepare mentally to face strangers because of that, like going to the gym or going swimming. I tell myself that at least I am trying to do better when I'm there. That way I can ignore any glances or comments that are thrown my way. My armour is on, shields are up.

    But there are other situations, when I'm not prepared. Should I get a comment or disgusted look then, I am immediately transported to that dark place inside where I'm barely worth to use up oxygen, let alone the physical space that I do.

    It takes a while but I get myself together again. I turn self-loathing into anger and determination. I build my armour back up. Because they will not defeat me. I will not let them. I hope that you will do the same. *hugs*

  2. <3 Sending you extra love today. So many of us share this struggle with you.

  3. When a jerk says a nasty thing, it tends to make all of our pain we fought for years to resurface. Always remember that the one yelling this is making himself feel better, not belittling you. His pain is often the same as ours, and his only way of feeling better, is by being a jerk. You are an extraordinary person, and you of all people needs to remember that!!! I LOVE YOU BABE!!!!! Jennyfer