Those of you who have known me for a while now, know that my life has never followed a "normal" or "traditional" path.
For the most part, the oddities of my life's paths have left me bemused, amused, even shrugging as it's something I have accepted and often embraced. (My personal theme song is Back in Black by ACDC, for example.) I can normally rise above anything.
(For example, there was a time in my past when I was alone, in a foreign country, no friends or family. I was living in a shelter with a small child, unemployed... fighting with British Immigration for the right to remain in the UK to be near my child... not entitled to public funds... literally living off of charity and when an acquaintance, who was studying for her Doctorate in Psychology, asked me how I managed to remain so upbeat and my immediate and completely honest answer was "I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel; because I keep the tunnel too well lit!")
I don't see the point in wallowing. I don't enjoy letting the world get the better of me. I won't lie down and allow life to pass me by.
(Please note: I am not, by any means, comparing any of this to clinical/chemical depression. They are very different things.)
Now, though I still feel the same way about how I have come to be in this situation as I have with all of the others... though I adore what my life is for the most part... though I understand that the employment environment is tough for everyone, not just me... though I appreciate that it's easier to get work if you're already employed...
It's starting to get me down. It's becoming quite difficult not to take it personally.
This may be due to the fact that I had (only) two interviews in the past month and I got neither of them. That's never happened to me before. I have always been offered every job for which I interviewed.
How do I not take the fact that I have now been turned down twice for roles, after I have interviewed, personally?
I try. I've attempted to treat job-hunting like a full-time job and, for the most part, I manage to do just that. I trawl job boards and recruitment websites and, of course, as time drags on; my requirements for positions become less and less rigid.
There are times, I admit, when I'm at home and I'm *not* looking for work, updating profiles, contacting recruiters, but by and large, it's "after hours", it's because I have Life Admin things to do, I'm completing a task/favour that Mr Wookie has asked of me.
I'm no slacker. I'm no shirker. Any former employer could attest to that. So, this endeavour is no different. I give it as much devotion as I ever have a job role.
But it's not working. I'm impatient. I want to be real. I want to live.
At the moment, I have a decent amount of credit card debt. Something I have for the first time in my entire life. And it scares the carp out of me.
With no income, I can't justify any outgoings. Yet, they're expected.
I make the minimum payment on my credit card, of course.
But there's Christmas, and Birthdays, and events, and... There's a lot of (self-imposed) pressure to be a certain kind of person and that involves being a Giver. That involves finding that perfect gift for someone, something they didn't even know they wanted or needed until they've unwrapped the gift.
How can I suddenly stop that? How can I suddenly say 'no'?
On top of this, I don't write lately. I had been writing for two hours a day.
A routine, a promise to myself, a reward, a respect.
For the past two weeks, however, I feel too guilty.
How can I justify taking two hours of job-hunting time to write when it brings nothing tangible?
I don't write.
I don't socialise.
I feel guilty all the time.
Is this a "life"?